Home Was Not As It Used To Be

Live life

I didn’t plan traveling – except for work – to any parts of Indonesia this year. Somehow, I decided to buy ticket to Ambon with no specific plan other than marking my ten years of diving. The dives were okay, but I spent the rest of the holiday as a moment to reflect.

One of the things that I realized was I wanted to leave the city but did not want to go home. I wanted to move to another place and create a ‘new’ home. Home, to me, was not as it used to be.

‘Home is where the heart is’; a familiar quote from 1999 movie, Home at The End of The World. The quote was carved permanently in me but I did not know how it would affect my life. It was, on the last day of this holiday, resurfacing and guided me to realize that labeling and missing a place, a building, a bunch of people as ‘home’ would be misleading both to them and to myself.

When I call a place or a house home, I might expect them to remain the same as to when I left them. When I call a bunch of people home, I might expect their attitudes toward me to stay the same. The fact is, as much as I wanted to, they will never remain the same.

Home is a state of feeling; a feeling that follows being alive whenever, wherever with whomever. Home is when living life to the fullest, when living up values, making connections to and sharing meaningful experience with people around. Home appears and will always appear different but the same state of feeling remains.

I don’t miss home. I am creating home.

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I found you

I never thought I would have them all again, even in dreams. Now I do.

Indonesia. (In)complete.

Twenty four hours was not enough to explore the City of Bengkulu, let alone the province. But twenty four hours was enough for me to say that I was inspired by a mix of worry, quirkiness, gratefulness, hatred, pride and acceptance. Life feels more present with a mix of these feelings; I felt alive too.

How could devotion turn bad?

Personally, I yearned to be devoted to a person. I fould it beautiful to have all worries and tiredness lifted up knowing I would return home to meet someone I devoted my life to. But I couldn’t lie.